The Reality of Reality Shows

With reality shows, comes the pros and cons. The pros being; fame, money, power and respect while the cons being; stalkers, everyone wants a piece of you, and the worst of them all, the 4th estate is always on your case no matter what, thus no privacy.

Am not really a fan of this so called reality shows, but before you start throwing stones at your computer, of which you can’t because you are probably inside a cyber and you will have to pay, the final winner is always pre-determined. Just like the casino where  ‘the house always wins’, it’s no different from the reality show circus. the clowns are the same.

I was busy surfing my there comes a pop-up, this adverts clowns realy ruin my moments but at times they give me some thing to look and watch awt for: for instance…”Omg Confidence Hogan of Afrodisiac Night Club with Milicent another candidate Of Big Brother Amplified have been Exposed Completely Naked while taken a Shower at the Big Brother House, Mehn This is soo Disgracing but trust me Confidence’s got amazing Boobs.DAMN!!”  That was from Ghana Leak  http://ghanaleak.net/video/bba-confidence-and-milicent

Am yet to see the TPF’s uncut videos…teren

AM AWT!

NYANYAKE ₰

TheReunion

So this Saturday, there’s a ka-reunion, a primary school alumni reunion (am still not sure whether we qualify to b called alumni.now), I will b meeting guys who I was with for 8yrs…8yrs ago. of course, i have seen some…but still, never met others ever since we handed in our GHCRE papers or was it Art and Craft? (trust me, am that old, word!)

Thanx to Facebook aka Mukuru wa Zuckerberg (sorry), I’ve seen some pics of those I haven’t met…yap, I’ve bin to ur profile..n tht spy-catcher thingy on who views ur profile dint tell yah…so drop tht app quick b4 Kos-gay is jailed n drops the soap. Nway, peeps have changed, I swear. Its either that,or photoshop be doin some pretty good jobo. I’ve bin lukin at myself for the last 8yrs,n I think its tym I moved the mirror. According to it, the only head I can harmfully smack is Mwala’s. Mirror mirror on the wall..u r very,very wrong. I still have to mind my head while entering a mat, so shock on u…forget that Blue-warteva nonsense,i tried it,its al a hoax…dyamnnnn!

Back 2 the reunion,its only a reunion coz y’al r familiar to each other. But truth b told, its a show off contest,yeah yeah yeah yeah I said it…if u’ve got nufin to show off,stay at home n shag ur sofa. But this reunion is different n good. We all have nufin to show off. So thea wont be any braggy braggy bitch on the loose with some loose bi-lip or bum implants. we are all in college..n it ends there….luckily, am done with college too…so wart now

However,to all the reunions I go to,there s always a peep or two I long to see.

The Bully

This one,am sure,he aint sittin in anyone’s class.he must be a tout,mechanic o any job tht has an apron n grease on it, or better yet a thug in some dingy corner waiting to snacht that mkopo wa salo u jus ombad frm the bank jana. ths nigga threw sand onto my eyes wen I was goin to take a penalty ( i thot i was good in foozball til i saw this sofa-paka or is it paka-warteva peeps playing…wen I meet him,twil b so fair if I throw a penny down the gutter,n ave him go for it,only to realise it cnt buy a drop of his favourite goody goody (sweets this days taste like crack). i knw I cnt punch him, bt all solids around me r weapons, n crackin a bottle on his head,wud gimme tht sound th dj plays b4 a big chuuuune..n maybe i’d dance my head off.o pull a Naivasha inmate on him,n ave a Kingfisher bottle tekin th phone role.its no grudge..jus gettin even 8yrs doen the line.

The guy wth a confused family tree

Now,if u aint related to ths dude,u r poor…very very poor.jus own a piece of th earth,n he’l squeeze u into his family tree.u definitely knw him.his dad n th president share an ex,his cousin has Branson’s semen somewhea in her body,n Oprah’s black skin is frm his gr8 granpa.i have nothin 4 this buffoon..he’l jus tel mi th latest entry to his family. fingaz crossed, i hope it aint onyancha or some psycho called Ocampo.

The boobless gyal

Aha..this one alikuwa na maringo sana.she was duramaa queen,knew to do th head jig wth th index finger flippin around…add ‘Gimme a break’ o ‘Puhliiiiiz’ to tht n u gat the pic. my bio ta taught mi tht bein boobless 4 a chic is lyk a deformity, but doctors wunt tel yuh tht,they call it some syndrome I forgot th name, gud thing..she had an ass,so frm far,she lukd lyk a flipped ohmetre symbol. I’ll want to c her cleavage,but some inner thought tells mi il b starin at some collarbone. I’ll totally avoid her for the day coz her senses tripped n fell, n now the mouth is in control, while the brain chases. i wudnt want her reminding mi of the day teacher Domi was readin some other class exam’s marking scheme,n thot twas ours. i got 3/30 in tht cre paper.o better stil,remind mi o the day the principal went down on us boyz,cz the bully-see how he features in al my troubles-touchd a gal th bad manners way. huyu..i will avoid her lyk our Mpigs avoid logic.

REAL MEN DON’T FIT INTO SKINNY JEANS

I gat too much to deal with…Its not like i can’t afford a pair of skinny jeans or something, but some of this douche bags wearing them are giving the jeans family a bad name, I thot pencils were for the ladies and not for some crazy a** psycho dudes trying to copy some of the western cultures. we gat our own culture and should be proud of it. (vaa ka mmasai uone, swag tosha) You see a niqqa walking down the streets at a snail speed just for the swag sake of it? OMG! yo grandma shuold see you in them…u will most definitely get a whooping for tht…”umevaa nguo ya dadako kwa nini? ghai fafa…kwaja hata umejikunia na hutoi iyo mufuto iko karibu kuguza shini? kube nikikutuma nduma dio maana unakujaga kama kira mutu amemarizikiwa na jaa?…kuja hapa” now thts some swagged up grandma 😉

It’s time for men to wake up and realize that no, you DON’T  look cool OR sexy in skinny jeans. You look absolutely ridiculous. ‘Please enough is enough’, your balls beg of you… “…  real men don’t wear skinny jeans. Real men also don’t wear V-neck tees, or accessorized scarves, and they avoid purple and pink like the plague. The mere idea of a pedicure or waxing makes a real man nauseous. If a woman hangs out with this kind of girly-man routinely, it’s only because she wants to share his wardrobe and his non-fat caramel macchiato.” Jessica Wakeman. Thats a real woman right thea!

So, gay guys who wear skinny jeans, tell us, how do you do it without crushing your balls when you sit down?
Is there a trick to it or something?

Skinny jeans are for girls not punk OR gangsta wannabes! Any questions? Feel free to ask…

But I say, fwak ya, yeah fwak ya…GET A LIFE!

NYANYAKE ₰

“…  real men don’t wear skinny jeans. Real men also don’t wear V-neck tees, or accessorized scarves, and they avoid purple and pink like the plague. The mere idea of a pedicure or waxing makes a real man nauseous. If a woman hangs out with this kind of girly-man routinely, it’s only because she wants to share his wardrobe and his non-fat caramel macchiato.”

KENYANS IN HEAVEN

Imagine that Jesus came today and we as Kenyans were to be judged what could happen?

KIKUYU-A kikuyu would not go to heaven, reason immediately they see the golden gates they would ask Jesus to let them take the gates and come back on earth to sell them.”haiya! ishi ne besha, tutauza nyamakima”

LUHYA-since in heaven we are only told of singing and praising, a lunje would refuse to go to heaven because there is no provision of having lunch. “Wanyonyi hapa wana-tu-enchoi pwana kwani hakuna lunch heri turuti ntuniani-kawangware”

LUO-Since in heaven everyone goes alone, luo’s would refuse since they have to carry a woofer, their baby(wife) and toto(child).”haki yetu kwani mimi nitawacha woofer,baby na toto namna yupi? heri nirudi kibera”

TAtToO-MAnIA

Of late, I have been getting confused, okay lemmi say overwhelmed, by the number of chics spotting tattoos in my campus…some are permanent, others temporary n the rest, for a day or two just for the gyals to showoff to  there peers how ‘BAD’ they are…the bad gal syndrome (thats a story for another day). With the increasing popularity of female tattoo galleries and tattoo parlors, this ‘tattoo bug’ that has bitten the ladies, I must say, is hear to stay. some are gross btw, hw do you have the guts to tattoo your pussy? omg! This is how all this starts…

Looking through the tattoo designs

For you to look fierce, and standout of the crowd and beautiful, or can i say sexy, to your peers and other people, looking through all of the pictures and wide selection of tattoo designs is one of the most enjoyable things to do and it helps in making the right choices because the tattoo is permanent. Looking through the female tattoos, tend to be very sexy. They vary from tribal, to flowery, to angels and one can also come up with a very unique tattoo design if you find the ones you like and combine them. after that, we go to the next step…

Choosing a tattoo parlor

It is important to make sure you go to a well known tattoo parlor so as to reduce the chances of getting ur sick infected or having to get a tattoo u dint want or  a badly shaped tattoo…. that would b unpleasant to say the least. also go to a parlor that has got some specialists and hygienic. remember, it may be expensive but all in all, cheap is expensive. after identifying a nyc unique and hygienic parlor…comes the final step

Getting the tattoo

This becomes the final step and after a long w8…the needle meets the skin n the ink leaves its screech marks. this aint for the faint hearted nor is it for the cry babies. if you are one, remember to take your mother with ya so tht she can wipe your tears as you cry you a** owt..AOUUCH! ol e best pipo.

P.S

Just a word of advise…

Before going for tattoos, you must remember that, it shows your nature, interest and personality. The tattoo should not be made, because your favorite celebrity has that, or it is a very popular and trendy design, instead the selected design must speaks about you. Like Hawaiian tribal armbands are very popular nowadays, but if you really like it, then go for it, otherwise select your own design from the tattoo galleries that shows your personality.

With the female tattoo galleries becoming very popular nowadays, its time you we started seeing artists showing there prowess and making new unique designs thus giving the gals something new to show out to the world.

for those who haven’t gotten there’s yet…think about it, tattoos speak more than  a millie words

you can cheq awt a few tattoo parlous around town and make you choice on which is which…

…GYALS GONE WILD! KENYAN VERSION??? OMG!!!

As the dudes try as hard to get this mamas to at least peck em, they prefer goin gyal-2-gyal which brings e question, ARE MEN BECOMING EXTINCT OR SOMETHING? Goin owt wit my fwens last weeknd, I got to see this fly mama, she ad it ol, THE ASS, THE TITIES, THE BEUATY….n I ges, THE BRAINS….oh! n the lips too…almost forgot tht. she b kisin anaa mama n we lyk, WFT?

Kenya z becomin some nyc place to be in. I aint leaving my mama with anaa mama unless I got cctvs in me crib, which the las time I cheqed,  dint…WORD!

THE INTRO OF FARTING ZONES

Am walking around town and I saw these areas the Kanjo peeps have designated as smoking zones. The smoke coming from these areas is really causing a big damage to the o-zone layer (as they call it) and the lungs too. (I wish I was a doctor because the money being spent on tobacco related diseases is on the rise or a tobacco farmer. It’s all about the money!)

Apparently, there is this new trend of people with an habit or farting in all public place…lifts, matatus, hotel lobbies, clubs, funerals, weddings, and worst of all church! This is a very disgusting behavior and barbaric too. Tunaomba serekali, waweke farting zones pia, ama waweke watu mitungi za LPG!

Am in a matatu and am seated next to this fly mama and as we are going about our business of getting to know each other, comes this foul smell of fart. Whoever did that dint have a good intention, it was like a gas attack and you could see this winkled face on everybody suddenly changing the topic of discussion from my designer cologne (its worth a fortune, WORD!) to how people how people should be wekwad those LPG mitungis on there behinds just incase one decided to do something stupid where there is a crowd (LPG fyi b the mitungis you pika with @ your digs).

I just don’t know what is wrong with me, my designer cologne and fly mamas coz every time there is a gathering or is it combination, like that, someone must fart to spoil the moment. And usually, the topic of discussion is my cologne. So this douche bag decides to fart after I have just ingiad the lift then one floor down he shukaz. Next stop, a fly mama b waiting for the lift after like two floors and you jus can’t imagine the look I got after she had ingiad but because fungain her nose would be seen as an insult, she amuaz to say hi and jus look the other way.

There is this face that is on peoples face when they detect the smell of fart but as they say, ‘don’t hold on the fart, it goes up your head and that is where shity ideas come from’.

WHEN THE HOMOS CAME KNOCKING!

After the TPF4 sad storo of a Kenyan not winning the coveted price (Congrats to Davis btw, at least we have a mutual hair style), I guess it’s time the Uganda Cranes kujad back in Kenya and beg Ghost Mulee to jus take back his job (at least there is someone to takes the blame Harambee Stars wakichapwa) and waache Stars wawachape at least 9 goals…they should pretend they are playing kidogo, or better yet, it’s time the Ugandans gave us back Migingo. What do you think?

So the TFP4 aftermath was crowned by one of my funny friends called Paul Semenya Lemmington, (I don’t really know why he settled for the Semenya name, and I may never know, but ntamuuliza). This friend-in crime is one hell of a joker. So with MJ having kufad, we were in dilemma, huyo msee alinda wapi? Hell or heaven? But whichever, this storo kujad up…

Semenya, “STORY STORY. There were these two fags that were sent to hell during Judgment Day. So ika happen moto ya shetani ikazimika. Mungu akachukua simu akapigia shetani. “Mundu, mbona moto imezimika” shetani akajibu, ” relax mtu wangu, kuna shida kidogo” aaii! Mungu akangojea akachoka akampigia tena. Shetani ikabidi amemwambia ukweli. Mungu, “niaje wewe?!” Shetani “sasa iko ivi, unaona hawa mahomo uliniletea, hawaniruhusu niiname niwashe moto. Nikijaribu kuinama hawa majamaa wanataka kunifungua nyuma…”

THE HAIR TERRORIST

I love my lady with hair…not the hair you are thinking, head hair. na si ile ya farasi, ni this case, a wig, NO! Am talking about the real hair. not that I wouldn’t date those supermodels who gat their heads ol shiny and slippery (that a fly would skate on it and end up loosing its legs) Hair-in Africa-is usually black, but who am i kidding? even all over the world, hair is black except for albinos (no pun intended), blonds and Burnetts (pun totally intended). oh! I almost forgot, clowns too.

Speaking of hair and clowns, the other day am walking around and about and accidentally bumped into this lady. She kinda resembled James Kiama in a way. were it not for her hair, she would have looked a little mo handsome. her hair can make one think its Halloween (the Halloween party at the mall rooftop was on point by the way, and that is a story for another day) is there a law in Kenya that can be used to keep this funny looking people behind bars til the next Halloween? A charge like Hair or fashion terrorism? where are the lawyers at?

I ges the music videos and movies this ladies with the funny hairstyles are watching should first pass through the censorship board or even better, get banned from Kenya, Kabisa. the salonist too should face charges (for probably, making one look like James Kiama). and that reminds me of something else, she can get a job with that hair. she can be sitting outside estates and when the kids dont want to eat, the mum can go like …”utakula ama niite nani?…”

AM ME!!!!

Am a writer. I speak my mind. If you don’t say it, I will, and you may like it or not like it, but its my blog so i not give a hoot…the world is my stage and the performer. Am the case, you be the judge! In a nutshell, am a critic